Life on Borrowed Time

Exactly one year ago, on Tuesday, February 11th, I went through the hardest day of my life, filled with soul-crushing pain. If you aren’t familiar with what I am talking about - I was an inch away from taking my own life. For a more detailed look and full context, you can check out this article.

The best way to describe what WANTING to take your own life feels like is this:

Imagine being on the 10th floor of a burning building. Flames are raging wild all around you and in order to avoid the pain of the fire you see jumping through the window as a viable, and frankly, the only viable solution.

I chose not to jump off my balcony and end it all for one reason and one reason only - my family. My mother and my sister. I am alive today because of a single thought - my family wouldn’t survive the loss and devastation.

The process of recovery was quick. The first week after the event is a blur but I still remember not wanting to live and having many suicidal thoughts, but almost no push to act upon these thoughts. From the second week onward, the suicidal thoughts were mostly gone, but I was still a miserable wreck. Not a single second of joy, no productivity, no life-loving optimism I am generally known for, just pain and sadness. However, a month or so after the event, things started to pick up. We’re talking about early March 2020, right around the time the virus that shall not be named struck. I was forced to sit down with myself and truly feel every emotion, but because I did I also got to understand the why behind the emotions. I got to experience myself in a new light, a light I thought didn’t exist.

Before we turn to the positives in this article, I’d like to share some of the hardest moments in the months after the suicide attempt. I’ve had many sleepless nights thinking about my decisions and thoughts. I took me almost half a year to begin to forgive myself for almost disappearing from the lives of the people that love me. For months I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I am a failure for having these thoughts and coming so close to the end point. As you might know, my mom (the person I love the most in this world) almost died due to a stress-induced heart attack. I still can’t quite forgive myself for being a big contributor to that. I’ve had many more lines of thinking, but these are the ones that occupied my mind for the longest.

This is the point where the article picks up. In September of last year, I got back to as good as I have ever been. At that point, I was very happy in my own skin, very pleased with where I’ve gotten in terms of my emotional maturity and wisdom. I’ve reignited the fitness spark and started making major leaps of progress. I’ve also performed well at work, with consistency in terms of both levels of productivity and quality of output. The final quarter of 2020 saw me reach my all-time best in terms of fitness while maintaining a high quality social life. In fact, I’ve been able to pursue my passion for food even more in the last 5 months or so than in any other period of my life before. That is just crazy to think about. I’ve been eating out and exploring the restaurant scene here in Belgrade my whole life. I’ve always had a great passion for food but the last 5-month stretch was just incredible even for my standards.

Reflecting upon the 365 days gone by, I can confidently say that I have never been happier, never looked better, never had more desire to live. In an alternate universe, I jumped off the balcony and there are no happy moments with my family, no rekindled friendships, no new amazing people, no beautiful and cute moments with my dog, no restaurant exploration, no tasting sensational food, no personal records in the gym, no new colleagues at work, no new challenges, no fun nights with my friends, no meme Mondays over on my Instagram and the hilarious interactions I’ve gotten as a result of this new meme-based tradition, no quality books I’ve read since then, no quality conversations I’ve had, no walks that I love to go on daily, no quality TV shows. None of these things happen and I cannot be more grateful that I’ve gotten to experience all of that.

So when I say “life on borrowed time” - I mean that there was a strong possibility I don’t make it to here. I have been blessed with a beautiful life and I’ve gotten a gift (or loan) of extra time to explore every nook and cranny of that beauty. As a result of seeing this new chapter of my life as a gift, seeing it as something I almost didn’t get to experience, I have become a lot more aggressive and confident in my decision-making, a lot more appreciative and grateful of the little things and everything I took for granted, a lot less stressed by events and especially those I cannot control and more importantly, I’ve become more empathetic, wise and understanding.

I am a lucky, lucky man. Thank you.